1. People who look like they're having a pretty serious breakdown in public (e.g., crying violently in a restaurant or cafe) and then you look closer out of great concern and it turns out that's just their face, having a good time.
2. People who are very blond from behind, and then when they turn around, what?, they're Asian.
3. Muscle metabolism
4. PDA amongst persons aged 11 to 16. I have massive difficulty comprehending how certain individuals can, in such a self-flagellatingly miserable period of life, convince other sentient beings with full working vision to find them attractive enough for unmediated face-on-face contact.
Two such specimens are sitting across from me at Panera -- "going at it," if you will -- even as I write this. I don't know them, but I worry for them. Being unattractive when you're young is like doing the chicken pox: it might scar you, but it also might save your life. Do you even know what's going to happen to you in five years or so, little tweethearts? That's right, you're going to get life shingles. At that point, there will be nothing I can do to help you.
5. Oh, and now you're climbing onto his lap, jungle-gym style? I might throw up, although considering we are at Panera, this is not saying much. Really, come on, Jessica (you look like a Jessica to me), I know you know better than that. Your moves are an entire season out of whack.
And Ricky (you do not look like a Ricky to me, but I want to call you Ricky), your body language tells me you think this is your finest moment. Shame on you, although if you don't manage to get that high school diploma, you may not be far from the truth.
6. Also, I don't mind that you took the corner booth I wanted, but really, did you guys have to sit together on the same side of the booth? That's so Parisian of you. Because, you know, there's so much interesting pedestrian traffic on the other side of the booth. Also, I hear the view of the other side of the booth is breathtaking this time of day.
I thought I would be angry at you two for taking my booth, but instead I am just so happy that you're enjoying it to the full.
7. Actually, you know what, I'm going to be angry after all. What are you even doing with that booth? Nothing, except moving into adulthood faster than the speed of love. I would use it for something much more useful, like learning muscle metabolism. Screw both of you.
8. Why don't the volume controls on Apple's $80 headphones work with the iPhone 3G? Probably because I didn't pay enough for all the features to be functional, right? Yeah, that's going to be my working hypothesis.
9. Redacted because it initially confused me, but now I am no longer confused. What a successful day this has been!
10. This one's bothered me for a while. Do extinct things get a special section in heaven, because they're kind of deader than dead? Maybe something like a hotel ballroom, which, much like hotel ballrooms on earth, are never used for balls but instead just have a bunch of long meeting tables lined up in rows and covered with pink tablecloths? And everyone sits and faces in the same direction, toward the front of the room, and at the front of the room there is a giant chalkboard.
At the back of the room there is a refreshments stand with an unlimited supply of bottled water, bottled in a thick plastic that can't be crushed by even your strongest desires. And at each of the meeting tables there are ice-cold pitchers of Crystal Pepsi.
And everyone else in heaven wants to go inside this special room. But they can't, because there is a sign outside the door that says "Thing In Progress."
This is also going to be one of my working hypotheses, until further notice.
