Things I Laugh At #1: Pun-tards

What the -- ohh, oh I get it.  I get it.  Good thing they had that extra bit about the Stimulus Package, otherwise I might not have gotten there.

Question.  What giant douche first decided that it would be okay to name a store after a pun?  I understand that puns happen; I am prepared to allow for that.  But a store name does not just "happen."  I have always assumed that the moment you decide to open a store, the first thing you think about is what a good name would be.  (Then again, I grew up shopping at a Dick's Sporting Goods and a Festival Foods).  And I would even go so far as to say that if you cannot think of a good name for a store, chances are you probably should not be opening a store in the first place.

Puns are, to put it simply, just awful.  They are like little children with cancer.  They fill you with sadness, and you never quite know what to do or say in response.  If you've ever had the misfortune of traveling via Penn Station, you may recall passing en route to the Amtrak gates a little store called Tiecoon, which looks like it has never seen the light of day, because it hasn't.  I know every time I see it, life suddenly feels so much heavier, and I am suddenly so much more aware of the damp human smell all around me, and the fact that pedestrian traffic in Penn Station is like rat traffic in a cramped sewer, and the fact that if there is a fire we are all so, so screwed.

Moreover, why?  Why did you have to go and name your store Tiecoon?  Were you afraid that people wouldn't know what you sell?  I highly doubt that, because your window displays are full of garish ties that no one in their right mind would want to buy, and the rest of your store is jam-packed with the absence of anything other than ties.  Is it a lack of creativity that's the problem?  Because you can pay people for that.  I will offer suggestions even free of charge.   How about Tie World?  It's no Dick's Sporting Goods, I'll admit, but it sure as hell beats Tiecoon.  Even Tie Land would be better.  Actually, wait, that doesn't work so well.  Nevermind.

My point is: I think it's mostly just laziness that leads people to pun.  And the best examples of this are, of course, tea puns.  Tea puns are the worst of the worst.  And what's more, they are everywhere.  The aforementioned giant douche was probably also a giant tea lover, who encouraged his friends to open stores with ridiculous names like Teavana and Tealuxe.  What are you people doing?  First of all, just drink coffee.  And second of all, what?  Are you kidding me?

If you're still not convinced, I suggest you head down to the southwest corner of Washington Square Park.  You'll see a little cafe called Tea Spot.  It's a great place to grab a quick drink before heading uptown to Shoegasm and a life of not being able to live with yourself.